Scroll down to see jokes and humor, there are many

The Pentagon announced TODAY
 
 the formation of a new
 
 500-man elite fighting unit called  
 
USRSF  
  [ United States Redneck Special Forces ]
 
 
 

 
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and will be  given only the following facts about terrorists :  
 
 
1. The season opened today.  
2. There is no limit.  
3. They taste just like chicken.  
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.  
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .  

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over in a week.  
 

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH
 PARTIES!
 NOT ONLY THAT-- it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!!
 
 While walking down the street one day a US senator is
 tragically hit by a truck and dies.
 
 His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the
 entrance.
 
 'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before
 you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a
 high official around these parts, you see, so we're not
 sure what to do with you.'
 
 'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
 
 'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher
 up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell a nd
 one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend
 eternity.'
 
 'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
 heaven,' says the senator.
 
 'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
 
 And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and
 he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he
 finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the
 distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all
 his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
 
 Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
 greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good
 times they had while getting rich at the expense of the
 people.
 
 They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on
 lobster, caviar and champagne.
 
 Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly
 & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling
 jokes. They are having such a good time that before he
 realizes it, it is time to go.
 
 Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the
 elevator rises..
 
 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven
 where St. Peter is waiting for him.
 
 'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
 
 So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of
 contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
 and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes
 it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
 
 'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and
 another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
 
 The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers:
 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven
 has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in
 hell.'
 
 So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down,
 down, down to hell.
 
 Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the
 middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
 
 He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the
 trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from
 above.
 
 The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his
 shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the
 senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
 course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank
 champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's
 just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look
 miserable.
 What happened?'
 
 The devil looks at hi m, smiles and says, 'Yesterday
 we were campaigning.. ..
 
 Today you voted.'

David Letterman wrote this; it's the David we don't often see... ' As most of you know I am not a President Bush fan, nor have I ever been, but this is not about Bush, it is about us, as Americans, and it seems to hit the mark. 'The other day I was reading Newsweek magazine and came across some Poll data I found rather hard to believe. It must be true given the source, right? The Newsweek poll alleges that 67 percent of Americans are unhappy with the direction the country is headed and 69 percent of the country is unhappy with the performance of the President. In essence 2/3 of the citizenry just ain't happy and want a change. So being the knuckle dragger I am, I started thinking, 'What are we so unhappy about?'' A.. Is it that we have electricity and running water 24 hours a day, 7 Days a week? B.. Is our unhappiness the result of having air conditioning in th e summer and heating in the winter? C.. Could it be that 95.4 percent of these unhappy folks have a job? D.. Maybe it is the ability to walk into a grocery store at any time and see more food in moments than Darfur has seen in the last year? E.. Maybe it is the ability to drive our cars and trucks from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean without having to present identification papers as we move through each state? F.. Or possibly the hundreds of clean and safe motels we would find along the way that can provide temporary shelter? G.. I guess having thousands of restaurants with varying cuisine from around the world is just not good enough either. H. Or could it be that when we wreck our car, emergency workers show up and provide services to help all and even send a helicopter to take you to the hospital. I.. Perhaps you are one of the 70 percent of Americans who own a home. J.. You may be upset with knowing that in the unfortunate case of a fire, a group of trained firefighters will appear in moments and use top notch equipment to extinguish the flames, thus saving you, your family, and your belongings. K.. Or if, while at home watching one of your many flat screen TVs, a burglar or prowler intrudes, an officer equipped with a gun and a bullet-proof vest will come to defend you and your family against attack or loss. L.. This all in the backdrop of a neighbor hood free of bombs or militias raping and pillaging the residents. Neighbor hoods where 90% of teenagers own cell phones and computers. M.. How about the complete religious, social and political freedoms we enjoy that are the envy of everyone in the world? Maybe that is what has 67% of you folks unhappy. Fact is, we are the largest group of ungrateful, spoiled brats the world has ever seen. No wonder the world loves the U.S. , yet has a great disdain for its citizens. They see us for what we are. T he most blessed people in the world who do nothing but complain about what we don't have, and what we hate about the country instead of thanking the good Lord we live here. I know, I know. What about the president who took us into war and has no plan to get us out? The president who has a measly 31 percent approval rating? Is this the same president who guided the nation in the dark days after 9/11? The president that cut taxes to bring an economy out of recession? Could this be the same guy who has been called every name in the book for succeeding in keeping all the spoiled ungrateful brats safe from terrorist attacks? The commander in chief of an all-volunteer army that is out there defending you and me? Did you hear how bad the President is on the news or talk show? Did t his news affect you so much, make you so unhappy you couldn't take a look around for yourself and see all the good things and be glad? Think about it......are you upset at the Preside not because he actually caused you personal pain OR is it because the 'Media' told you he was failing to kiss your sorry ungrateful behind every day. Make no mistake about it. The troops in Iraq and Afghanistan have volunteered to serve, and in many cases may have died for your freedom. There is currently no draft in this country. They didn't have to go.. They are able to refuse to go and end up with either a ''general'' discharge, an 'other than honorable'' discharge or, worst case scenario, a ''dishonorable' ' discharge after a few days in the brig. So why then the flat-out discontentment in the minds of 69 percent of Americans? Say what you want but I blame it on the media. If it bleeds it leads and they specialize in bad news. Everybody will watch a car crash with blood and guts How many will watch kids selling lemonade at the corner? The media knows this and media outlets are for-profit corporations. They offer what sells, and when criticized, try to defend the their actions by 'justifying' them in one way or another Just ask why they tried to allow a murderer like O. J. Simpson to write a book about how he didn't kill his wife, but if he did he would have done it this way......Insane! Turn off the TV, burn Newsweek, and use the New York Times for the bottom of your bird cage. Then start being grateful for all we have as country. There is exponentially more good than bad. We are among the most blessed people on Earth and should thank God several times a day, or at least be thankful and appreciative.' 'With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, 'Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?' David Letterman

OKAY. How would you pronounce this child's name:  'Le-a' ???

 Leah?? NO
 Lee - A??  NOPE
 Lay - a??  NO
 Lei?? Guess Again.

It's pronounced 'Ledasha'  Oh yes...you read it right.
This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA. Her mother is
irate because everyone is getting her name wrong. 

 

SO, if you see something come across your desk like this please remember to pronounce it correctly.
When the mother was asked about the pronunciation of the name,
she said 'the dash don't be silent.'

The Tax Poem
 

At first I thought this was funny...then I realized the
awful truth of
it. Be sure to read all the way to the end.

Tax his land,
Tax his bed,
Tax the table
At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes
Are the rule.

Tax his work,
Tax his pay,
He works for peanuts
Anyway!

Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirt,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he
Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,
Tax his beers,
If he cries
Tax his tears.

Tax his car,
Tax his gas,
Find other ways
To tax his ass.

Tax all he has
Then let him know
That you won't be done
Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers;
Then tax him some more,
Tax him till
He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in
Which he's laid.

Put these words
Upon his tomb,
'Taxes drove me
to my doom...'

When he's gone,
Do not relax,
Its time to apply
The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL license Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Excise Taxes
Federal Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax (currently 44.75 cents per gallon)
Gross Receipts Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Taxes
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Personal Property Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service Charge T ax
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax
Sales Tax
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service FeeTax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Taxes
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Taxes
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax

STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago, and our
nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt, had the largest
middleclass in the world, and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What in the hell happened?  Can you spell 'politicians?'

And I still have to 'press 1' for English!?

I hope this goes around THE USA at least 100 times!!!  YOU
can help it
get there!!!
GO AHEAD - - - BE AN AMERICAN!!!